Ten days of silent meditation at Wat Suan Mokkh in southern Thailand; at the mercy of the mosquitoes and alone in your thoughts.

The monks give daily Damma talks on Anapanasati (mindfulness of breathing). They speak of dukkha (suffering), and the cessation of dukkha.

Most of the time you sit silently and meditate. Actually, everything is silent, there is no talking.

Daily Life

You sleep on a concrete slab with a straw mat and a wooden pillow. The monastery bell rings at 4am, you arise and walk to the meditation hall for sitting meditation.

Yoga, and then more meditation before 8am for a breakfast of rice soup.

And then chores, I swept one of the meditation halls. Afterwards the bell rings and back to sitting meditation, followed by walking meditation. Eventually lunch, the last meal of the day.

In the afternoon one of the monks gives a Damma talk. Afterwards walking meditation, and then sitting meditation. And then you either continue sitting or join in on chanting (in Pali)– chanting is a nice way to exercise your vocal chords and break up the silence.

Late afternoon there is tea and free time to sit in the hot springs. As the sun sets the bell rings and you walk to the meditation hall for (you guessed it) sitting meditation. Then group walking meditation, walking barefoot in the dark, mindfully so as not to step on any centipedes, scorpions or snakes. A candle-lit path around a pond, stars above.

Silence

In the silence the pace slows, day by day people are walking slower and slower, you move at the pace of life and the nature to which you are apart.

Your mind may race in the silence, all notions of self and ego fight to maintain their place in your mind, the monks tell you these are illusions– and anapanasati (mindfulness of breathing) brings these illusions to your awareness.

“I” and “My”

Everyone seems to get something different from this experience. Confronting your self in the silence, you may or may not like what you find.

Dig deep enough and you find the illusion of self, that “I” and “my” are delusions.

There are many sides to who you think you are, many even conflict with each other, which one is the real you?

Question your possessions, relationships, memories, personality, body, and even the mind itself — all of these things change (dramatically) during the course of a single human life; which one is the real you? Or are you the very process that witnesses the continuous change of life? If you peel off the layers one-by-one there’s little left.

I thought, perhaps there’s a self in each moment, dying and reborn continuously as we experience life. Question even this, and peel this off as yet another delusional layer of ego– eventually there is no more ego (”I” or “my”) to question.

Ego-less existence feels like a dream when you know you are dreaming. Content, beautiful, blissful freedom.

Free from craving
Free from suffering
Free to crave
Free to suffer.

First, some words about Pluto.

I’ve been reading about Neil deGrasse Tyson’s experiences at the Hayden Planetarium and the controversial solar system display that resulted in an international debate on whether or not Pluto is a planet.

With the exception of Tyson, there was little discussion on why we call some things planets and not others. No one was disputing whether Pluto exists, the dispute was whether or not we should label it with the word “planet”.

This boring semantic debate sparked worldwide controversy and renewed the publics interest in astronomy.

The arguments and legislation (yes, legislation) claiming that Pluto is a planet were not only unscientific but completely absurd, irrational, and most interesting of all: emotionally charged.

Wow, all of that over Pluto.

Emotions ran high and ego’s collided, but why would anyone’s ego have a stake in Pluto? If we answer that question, perhaps then we could explain why so many people have such strong feelings about other equally irrational topics.

Let me recap the nearly decade long debate: one day Pluto is a planet and there are nine planets in the solar system, all is good. Over time our knowledge of the solar system increased so profoundly that the belief of “nine planets” is inconsistent with what we now know. Pluto is reclassified.

Pluto is a wonderful example of how people cling irrationally to beliefs despite evidence to the contrary (evidence that gives us a richer and more beautiful view of our universe).

Our ego’s can be dangerous, blinding us to the beauty that awaits discovery. What future discoveries will clash with our current beliefs?

I propose a different foundation of ego. An ego that is not based on any world view, but an ego based on what I call the Bliss of Existence; an open mind and a realization of our connection with all things.

Your ego need not depend on thinking the earth is flat and that we are the center of the universe. Your ego need not depend on an imaginary God that happens to look like an old bearded white man. Your ego does not need to depend on religious beliefs that contradict known science. Your ego does not need to depend on your nationality, nor your social status.

Your ego can depend wholly on the bliss of existence, on the recognition that we are at one participants with and components of a larger cosmic order.

Whether we perceive it scientifically as Neil deGrasse Tyson explains with his “we are star dust” metaphor, or whether we perceive it spiritually (as Buddhist, Christian, Hindu, Islamic, and Jewish teachings often attempt to convey)– the conclusions are the same and the meaning behind the metaphors is the same.

There was a time when our ego’s were founded in the world view that the earth is flat, lightning is a weapon of Zeus, and Pluto is the ruler of the underworld. An ego based on a static world view is detrimental to human advancement. The unfortunate history of Islamic science, Catholic inquisitions and the evolution/creation debate are clear examples.

If we look back in history we scoff at the views of humans before us, and we admire those individuals that brought about new ways of thinking that reshaped societies. The history of human progress is not owed to any one culture or people– but to the open minded convictions of those brave enough to question the limits of their knowledge.

Whether you are scientist, an athlete, an executive, a doctor, or just some guy or girl … you will be a better scientist, a better athlete, a better executive, and in every way you will have an advantage in anything you do in life — all by separating your ego away from the static world view you were taught in school and replacing it with an open mind and the realization that all things are fundamentally connected.

Can you imagine a world where ideas flow freely without judgment and constraint? Can you imagine the progress, the advances not just in science and medicine, but of culture and art?

Such a world would not be free of problems, but imagine the unity of all people to overcome and survive those problems.

Imagine that every child, everywhere, was taught to value new ideas and critical thinking.

Perhaps in such a world (in a not so distant future) every person is free to travel, to live, and to work anywhere they have the want and skill– world views come and go as easily as our knowledge of the universe expands, and Pluto is still not a planet.

Try to look ahead and see where you’re heading. Often times the landscape stretches out for miles with no exits, other times there’s choices at every turn. It’s exhilarating as every moment you’ve made distance. You have an idea but you’re unsure where you’re going or what it will look like.

The only anxiety is that moment in between, where there is no distance, no direction– it’s ironic how the answer isn’t important, it doesn’t matter what direction, just go somewhere, anywhere.

Occasionally I find myself awake at night thinking about Richard W. Hamming’s speech ‘You are Your Research’. “If what you’re doing is not important… why are you working on it?” he asked.

This can (and should) be a haunting question; it certainly keeps me up at night.

What are the important problems? Or to put it in a more existential tone, what should one work on?

We tend to operate on a flimsy context for what is important. Is it for survival– either individual, or for our species, or for our planet? Or is it the advancement of human knowledge, such as science and art?

Most of the time we don’t concern ourselves with such questions. We work to sustain ourselves, finding pleasure and happiness where we can, and occasionally giving back to others. Life is often nothing but an affirmation of our existence.

Perhaps then the answer is much simpler, and the existential concerns are nothing but evolutionary baggage– a side-effect of our oversize primate brains– perhaps what is important is to exist for existence sake. That is, to exist devoid of a purpose, not to leave an indelible mark, but simply to be. I consider this a sort of existential freedom.

Consider again, what are the important problems? I believe it is to understand who you are and be the best of who you are. Work to affirm your existence, simply be. There is nothing more important.

For me, there is much I can do, and much I cannot. Happiness is often my goal, my pursuit, my passion for the moment. I do not dream of grand human endeavors, but of the passions of soul and comfort. I am drawn to these things, my focus is on feeling good, making others feel good, and enjoying the beauty of existence. I do not wish to compete, to prove myself, to be strong, to be courageous… I wish only to love, be loved, and experience as much beauty in life as one could experience. But that’s just me…

You are who you are– and you cannot change that. You may or may not even like it. But the important problems are there for you to work on, knowing what they are is nothing but an exercise in understanding who you are– and being the best of who you are.

There is a simplicity to existence that conscious ego will not tolerate. Your existence just is. It is not planned nor intended. You are, simply as you are. The most basic truth is so clearly in front of your face– base and predictable: human, primate, mammal, life– the truth bores as it insults ego. Delusions are so much more interesting– God, soul, love– they are real in effect of our every action, but they are as malleable as any childish whim. We shape these delusions with every want and expectation. Try it. Expect love and find it. Want God and see! The filters of perception are yours to control– we are masters to this shared delusion we often confuse with reality.

These are simply ideals, and we breathe them as necessary as air. What a curious primate.

Unfiltered reality– what does that mean? Is it even possible? We sometimes speak of it as beautiful, seeing things as they truly are– but is not that beauty another delusion, another filter? Unfiltered reality, I imagine, would be too boring and too simple to comprehend. It would be data with no metaphor, no symbol system, and none of the artful abstractions that we thrive on.

So then, curious primate, what is it that you want? Anything that you consider worth comprehending is possible; but still you persist in wondering about this most basic thing. Do what you like, and let none be the judge, you cannot help to do otherwise.

We are masters to our own delusion. Do what you want and shape every filter. Let life happen. Make art, love, and offer people a reason for their existence to matter.

It is all poetry and art, and all blissfully useless.

Do you ever wonder if that reflection looks back?
Fragments of who you are, multiple selves throughout
every facet of your life– your past, present, and
all possible futures

At some point, as perceptions collapse and reality
is seen as illusion– you are whole
The sum of your knowledge– all of you

In that moment, everything is as you have made it
And you, the whole of who you are, are responsible
Where you go from here…
That is the better question

Gathering the total of yourself
Everything
The ugly bits and the beautiful

Pieces and shards of yourself
They fit together nicely
Often leaving small and barely perceptible holes

Missing pieces to an incomplete self
In order to answer that basic question
‘What do I want?’
You need only to look at
What is missing

I was told that 2009 is my Christ year.

I’m not totally clear as to whether a "Christ Year" is the year of your 33rd birthday or the 33rd year of your life (or the year you label yourself as being 33). It doesn’t really matter; I’m an atheist; don’t tell Jesus.

Whatever you call it, it is for me a significant point of change.

Change is never pretty. It can be disjointed; erratic. We either regress to where we started, or take hard earned control of our social mores and personal ideals, shaping and defining what we ought to be doing.

Many people I meet tend to regress, never questioning the basic social ontology they find themselves trapped within. They avert the crises by buying new cars, complaining about useless things, or otherwise distract themselves from the clear question of what they ought to be doing with their life.

I’m certainly not perfect in this regard. I’ve just spent the last year distracting myself with random girls, travel to exotic places, photography, and living the douche-bag life in La Jolla. It all seemed to work fine up until life’s little crises culminated into an emotional breakdown, as if life is reminding me to pay attention and answer the fucking question we’re all too scared to even ask. Strange way to end the year.

I don’t know what this year is going to be like. Change is funny that way– we’re never really sure what it’s going to be like, and even though things typically turn out for the best, we’re scared shitless until we figure that out.

The best advice I’ve gotten: go for a run, listen to music. I have to say, that totally helped. And it subsequently reminded me that I’m ridiculously out of shape. I ran along the coast, I was wheezing, desperately trying to catch my breath. It could have been the lack of oxygen to my brain, but I momentarily forgot about everything. A moment of clarity, an epiphany.

This my Christ year.

And I honestly don’t know what that means yet. I recognize that I need to replace those bad habits of mine with some good habits. I’ll need to clear my head, this means a break from the distractions. All of them. Or do I regress?

Encinitas, California
Near the towering golden lotus blossoms there is something quietly surreal as you walk through the meditation gardens

It is man and nature in harmony

Look deeper Odysseus
You have seen every move
And all end in tragedy

Go back
Undo your meticulous planning
And see the inverted path

There, you see now
Standing on the precipice
As she flies from your open arms

You, Odysseus, cannot fly
And cannot heal her

Others have caged her
And nearly killed her
You must shape the world
So that she may fly

Hold her with open palms
And let her mend her wings

Strong Odysseus, Shaper of worlds
Shape the world Odysseus
That she may fly

Give her a world to fly in
So that she may fly away