Beard Experiment: Fail
A beard experiment is a wonderful project. A project that requires curiosity and a strong resolve of laziness.
It is a daunting challenge. “I really want to shave, I look horrible,” I told myself repeatedly.
“This itches, I hate it!” Yet my willpower for laziness prevailed. Dreams of full beards and creative displays of mutton chops with handlebar mustaches danced in my mind. “It’ll be worth it,” I reminded myself.
Two weeks in– a startling revelation: I can’t grow a beard. I’m 32 years old and I can’t grow a beard. I’ll never be able to grow a beard. I’ve been drifting through life in denial. Had I lived in a Taliban controlled Afghanistan I would have been imprisoned for life or possibly put to death.
I know there are others like me; and I know some of you are brave enough to persist with these cursed boy-beards attempting to make it a fashion statement. Stop. It’s not cool. It’s like a short-guy puffing his chest out trying to intimidate. Sure, some celebrities have gone this route, like Johnny Depp, Keanu Reeves, or John Mayor. And in all cases, while we can say “that doesn’t look too bad”, no, in fact it does look bad– or at least worse than without the beard.
It’s times like these that we need to listen to the women in our lives. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go home and shave.